it's nights like these where i can't help but hate myself. sleep tight for me because i'm not so sure i can, stomach twists and heartaches keep this insomnia running on full speed. the fuel works wonders but comes with a strong distaste and it's the trigger for my upchuck reflexes. so come on baby, pull that trigger. see what happens when my body gives out and i'm sprawled out on that floor, a disgusting mess of guilt and shame and possible heartbreak. i could hear your laughter for it all even though the sound of it is foreign. i loved you, but not in that way. not in the way you think i was. that's what hurts the most.
cries.
pleas.
apologies.
tongues are tied and i'm left rung dry of words. all have been used before and i feel cheep when i sound repetative. they say repeating things is the way to get through to a closed mind. i don't believe it.
there are no songs. there are no catchy melodies and heartfelt lyrics to fall back on. there is no blanket of catchy phrases and hooks to wrap myself around. no song can play out the emotions coursing through my body. instead i'm covered in regret. regret doesn't keep you warm at night and there are still no damn lyrics i can find to fit this. i want to sing this all away. belt and scream harmonies and melodies until my lungs give out. scream until my voice and throat go raw. punching though walls and kicking down doors wont do it for me. not that i've tried. throwing fits is so preschool and i've graduated to kneeling over a toilet bowl instead. i'm throwing up my insides tonight and its relaxing for a moment or so until the shaking returns full force and i'm spitting out harsh words instead of my guts. i can't feel. i can't cry. this numbness isn't pleasent but whatever. if you can deal i guess i'll just have to learn how to. last i checked being a human meant you couldn't control your own emotions and swallow down feelings but i'll try oh so hard to keep them under the rader next time so we don't have a history repeating.
trust.
lies.
cover ups.
learn from mistakes.
dont dwell on them.
i'll go to sleep finally when the sun is up, ipod headphones cushioned in my ears as my itunes searches for the perfect song to fit my unlabeled emotions.
