an oldie, but still a goodie.

it's nights like these where i can't help but hate myself. sleep tight for me because i'm not so sure i can, stomach twists and heartaches keep this insomnia running on full speed. the fuel works wonders but comes with a strong distaste and it's the trigger for my upchuck reflexes. so come on baby, pull that trigger. see what happens when my body gives out and i'm sprawled out on that floor, a disgusting mess of guilt and shame and possible heartbreak. i could hear your laughter for it all even though the sound of it is foreign. i loved you, but not in that way. not in the way you think i was. that's what hurts the most.

cries.
pleas.
apologies.

tongues are tied and i'm left rung dry of words. all have been used before and i feel cheep when i sound repetative. they say repeating things is the way to get through to a closed mind. i don't believe it.
there are no songs. there are no catchy melodies and heartfelt lyrics to fall back on. there is no blanket of catchy phrases and hooks to wrap myself around. no song can play out the emotions coursing through my body. instead i'm covered in regret. regret doesn't keep you warm at night and there are still no damn lyrics i can find to fit this. i want to sing this all away. belt and scream harmonies and melodies until my lungs give out. scream until my voice and throat go raw. punching though walls and kicking down doors wont do it for me. not that i've tried. throwing fits is so preschool and i've graduated to kneeling over a toilet bowl instead. i'm throwing up my insides tonight and its relaxing for a moment or so until the shaking returns full force and i'm spitting out harsh words instead of my guts. i can't feel. i can't cry. this numbness isn't pleasent but whatever. if you can deal i guess i'll just have to learn how to. last i checked being a human meant you couldn't control your own emotions and swallow down feelings but i'll try oh so hard to keep them under the rader next time so we don't have a history repeating.

trust.
lies.
cover ups.
learn from mistakes.
dont dwell on them.

i'll go to sleep finally when the sun is up, ipod headphones cushioned in my ears as my itunes searches for the perfect song to fit my unlabeled emotions.

every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

i don't know you, but oh,

how i'd kill you get into your mind.

walk a mile in your shoes.

i can read you easier than you'd expect anyone to really. you'd be surprised.

you're a complicated one, but you wear your heart(grenade) on your sleeve. as much as you'd love not to be, you're sometimes as transparent as the shallow end of a pool. don't jump off the deep end just yet, you're still learning how to swim.

throwing punches underwater is as effective as screaming in a soundproof room. you've still got the fight left in you kid, you can take it.

one more black eye.

a few more bruises.

i wonder what you see when you look in the mirror.

glossy eyes and shaking hands.

tell me, how'd you get a firm grip on reality with all of that trembling?

tell me, can you see straight?

dizzy-drunk and on the high of a whirlwind, you think you're unstoppable. well sweetheart, i hate to break it to you but you're no superman.

you've got more than kryptonite to fear.

i've seen you low, i've seen you high, can you just go back to the mainstream and pretend like nothing had ever happened? the color in your eyes is fading as much as your will is. please don't falter. please don't let go.

this halo cracked.

give it some spit-shine, the gloss is gone along with the innocence.

what happens when wings are broken? angels don't get casts. do you fall back to earth?

press the restart button, get a second chance.

only god can judge you.

zombie.

you've killed me.
you've murdered the trust i once had in people and you'll never know the damage you have done because you refuse to even look at me, think back to the times when we so close that trust just came naturally.
you broke it.
you shattered it into tiny little specks that can't even be called pieces.

i'll never be that way again.
these eyes are like glass, hollow and transparent and i can't even hide my feelings away in myself anymore. they come spilling out like ocean waves, crashing into tears for the whole world to see.
i used to be so strong,what happened? the walls around me haven't crumbled, they've been rebuilt with ten times the durability and i'm trying to claw my way out of them, but i'm left with bleeding nails and a broken heart.
i want to scream but i feel like no one can hear me, no one is listening...

...my ears can't pick up the sound, i've suddenly gone deaf and i'm loosing breath because i'm suffocating.
these walls around me are closing in and i'm choking on the lack of air, too dark to see and my non-existent screams are bouncing off walls and reverberating off of my broken heart.

my heart and head don't connect anymore and my mouth is miles away.
i don't think before i speak, i let my emotions run away from me and i'm left in the dust as i try to catch up with myself.

i've cried myself a river that i can't build a bridge and get over.

i'm torn up from the inside out with razorblade words you've cut me with and i'm slowly bleeding myself to death.
i used to think trust was easy, but how can it still be easy when i don't believe in anything anymore?

i want to believe in you.
i want to believe in us but i need someone to save me because i'm digging a hole for myself that is constantly getting deeper and i can't get out of it myself.

hold my hand.
pull me out of this rut.
give me something to believe in.

almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

a bruised heart is equivalent to clipped wings.

you get up off of your feet to fly, soar high but you cannot hold yourself. you fall.

they say to kill a mockingbird is a sin, but you can take aim and shoot at the blue jays and robi(y)n's like they don't matter. i thought everything/one was made to be equal on this earth. we all may not think identically, but we do breathe and feel things the same as everyone else.

aim and ready to fire.
don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.
i'm bulletproof and ready to go, but your armaments are deadlier than any gun or knife a person could possibly have in their possession. words are like deadly weapons, they can cut through you worse a shear knife ever could. they rip you apart from the inside out, hanging on every word that was said until you collapse from the internal bleeding.

it's a silent kill. it cannot be tracked. no foot or fingerprints can be traced, no bullet holes to tie to a gun, no evidence to who had done the killing.

but since when was dying inside considered a murder?
put the man on trial! which man? no man. you cannot find him. how can you arrest someone when there's no evidence pointing to anyone in particular?

court is adjourned.
this case is hopeless.

rainb(l)ow(s).

paint me like a picture.

fill me with colors from the bristles connected to your fingertips. color me happy; sunshine yellow and bright orange. i want to grow and thrive like forest green. i'm sick of the dull grays and blues splotched through my life like cancer, eating and rotting away at the canvas. i caught fire red, burning a hole through the pages that added up to my life.

oh yeah, and there were words there too.